Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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