my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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