youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
