Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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