A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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