New low: just hacked my moms facebook
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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