I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
