I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.