you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't turn off my feet"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
