Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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