Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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