I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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