She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
