Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
