my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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