That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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