He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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