oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There r osticjed everywhere
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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