Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
