I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
