Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
