I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
