In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
