The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
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I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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