Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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