theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
