lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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