You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize