I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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