dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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