He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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