The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
