forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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