My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
