please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
