The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you win again, gameday.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
