ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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