girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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