I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
