the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
