yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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