There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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