Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We need to rekindle our bromance
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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