Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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