Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
