If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
