I love black thongs
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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