my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
