I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
