Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
