i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
