She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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