i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
