Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
