Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
