I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
