i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
