Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
