Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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