my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
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Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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