I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
