You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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