is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
